Don't Should on Yourself

Should you call your mother? Should you write down your goals? Should you develop a marketing plan for the year? Should you get a house cleaner, hire an assistant, open an IRA account, create a budget, live by your values and respect your elders? No, you should not! However, if you choose to, then yes you absolutely can. Did you catch the difference or have I just confused the should out of you?

When faced with life’s numerous choices, why is it that so many of us feel that we have to should on ourselves and on everyone around us? Are you ever frustrated with that one friend who insists on sharing their litany of shoulds with you every time you see them? “I really should lose some weight.” “I should stop spending so much money.” “I should stop smoking.” Sound familiar? Notice that this friend generally does not accomplish any of their shoulds?

The answer to why we all should at times is simply because we don’t believe that we can. The unspoken piece to all of our shoulds is, “…but I can’t” or “…but it’s not possible.” They may not be said aloud, but our subconscious hears it anyway. Those thoughts, as electrical impulses, send the underlying negative command to the brain. The result is INACTION. In essence, when we use terms like, “I should” or “I wish” we are recognizing a problem, but not providing a solution.

Shad Helmstetter said this about shoulds in his book, “What To Say When You Talk To Your Self”:

Instead of giving birth to dreams and accomplishments, this type of self-talk creates guilt, disappointment, and an acceptance of our own self-imagined inadequacies. Is that good programming? No, it is not. Will it help us succeed? No, it will not.

So, what can one do to send the right messages to the brian, those that illicit motivation, hope and ACTION?

Start by flushing your shoulds down the toilet. Be conscious about your choice of words. Instead of telling yourself or others that you should write down your goals, say “I will write down my goals.” Or “I choose to write down my goals.” The brain is designed to take whatever electrical impulses you give it and then respond accordingly. Once you tell your brain repeatedly and strongly that you are taking action, it will help you to make the time, grab the pen and notebook and begin to write. Remember, your brain believes what you tell it most often.

If you think the difference between “I should” and “I will” are insignificant, try looking into a mirror and telling yourself an “I should” and then an “I will” statement. The difference will be evident in the tone of your voice and even in the gut-level feeling you’ll experience as you change from one statement to the other. Did you notice the weakness in “should” and the power in “will?” The warrior-like air in “I will” vs. the sense of victim-hood in “I should?”

If you’re still wondering, ‘Can such a minor change in my choice of words really have much of an impact on my level of activity?’ The answer is…Yes, it can! But, don’t take my word for it. Dare to conduct an experiment of your own. Listen for the shoulds in conversations that you have with those around you, and with yourself. Take each utterance of “I should…” and immediately replace it with “I will” or “I choose to.” Try it for 30 days. Whaddya got to lose, but a load of shoulds?